Failure is OK

The other night (meaning last night, because "the other night" could translate to a lot of things-but it's not a lot of things, it's just last night), I went to Wal-Mart *shudder* and bought a sketchbook, watercolor pencils, and charcoal pencils. Tonight, I've been drawing. I attempted my first two portraits, ever. I must say, that they didn't turn out half bad. I mean, I'm no Da Vinci or Michaelangelo, but they didn't suck nearly as bad as I thought they would. That being said, I still enjoyed it. No matter how bad they sucked, or not, it was enjoyable.

So that got me thinking. I've never drawn before now, because I've always been afraid of sucking. But if I had just stopped being stupid and started drawing, I could be infinitely better now than I am (whether or not that would make me GOOD or not, is an entirely different story), and I would've had a lot of fun doing so.

So I've decided that from now on, if I feel like I want to do something, and I'm able to do so, I'm going to do it. Forget whether or not I fail at it. If I enjoy trying, at least, then that's all that matters.

Pretty Pretty Please?

Sometime in September, I will be taking a short backpacking trip. I have school this fall on Mondays through Thursdays, so my plan is to leave on a Thursday. The trip will go like this.

Thursday: Drive to the Uintahs and find the parking area I will have picked out. Hike in to a campsite close by. Sleep.

Friday: Hike to another destination that will be picked out beforehand. Set up camp. Sleep.

Saturday: Day trip. Do whatever. Have fun camping. Sleep.

Sunday: Hike back to the car. Drive home. Be glad to be back in civilization.

This WILL be happening, and YOU are invited. Seriously, anyone that wants to go will be more than welcome. I'm hoping to get a good number to go with me and have a good time.

Ponderings

I've been thinking a lot about family. Particularly about when I get a little older and have a family of my own. I wonder if I'll make as good of a husband and father as I hope to be. This pondering was started by a dream, actually. Let me share this dream with you. Just keep in mind that all of the things that the dream was very serious and if there is something that could be taken as random and funny, it was in fact very fitting and serious in my dream. So having given that disclaimer, let me proceed:
I was walking down a neighborhood street. I turned a corner on which sat an abandoned home. As I'm walking past this house, I notice that there is a little girl sitting in the bay window of the second floor. I know that the house is abandoned and uninhabitable, so it couldn't be some new resident's daughter. In fact, it appears (and turns out) that the girl had been abandoned there. I tried the door and it wouldn't open, so I climbed up the terrace to the window and retrieved the girl, took her home and adopted her. Let me just add at this time that the girl was absolutely the most beautiful little girl I've ever laid eyes on, real or not.
My dream then skipped a year or so. The girl is somewhere around 3 years old. I go home early and my wife is leaving the house with a strange man, my daughter is in her arms. It's apparent that she's leaving me and trying to take our daughter, so I plead with her to let me keep my daughter, but she refuses and takes flight. I ran after them for quite a distance as they made for a nearby bus station. When we get to the station, I yell at the officer to help and he runs over as I catch up to them and get into a scuffle with my wife's boyfriend. The officer, however, thinks I'm an assailant and they manage to convince him that I'm trying to kidnap my own daughter. So he arrests me and i spend the next few years in a jail cell. When I get out, I try to see my daughter and explain to her what really happened and why she had to spend the years without her daddy, but my wife and her new man have turned my own daughter against me and she won't listen to a word I have to say.
I've never had a dream in which an emotion was so strong. The love I felt for my daughter was incredible. Absolutely unexplainable. The ONLY thing I wanted was for her to understand how much I really loved her and just to come back to me. I didn't care about my own health or well being, I just wanted her to know that she was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I woke up on the verge of tears because she never did, and the feeling stuck for at least a week- maybe longer.

After that, I started thinking a lot about when I have kids of my own. I want to be the absolute best father in the world. I want my kids to love me and feel close to me. I want there to be an atmosphere in my home that's never existed before in my parents'.
As much as I do love my own parents and respect them, there has never been a particularly loving atmosphere in our house. My parents were angry and impatient with my siblings and myself for basically all of our childhoods. I understand how hard things were for them and no longer blame them for it, but I don't want to be like that. I want my kids to know that no matter how tough my life may get, there is always time for them and that my ability to be a good father to them is not contingent upon anything.
I want my wife to know that my happiness with her is not dependent on my career or financial situation. I want her to know that even if I'm stressed and tired, she is the most important thing in the world. I want her to know that I can't wait to be an old, crotchety man with her. I want her to know that I can't wait for her to be an old, ornery woman with me. I want her to know that I want to stand at her side and watch our children grow up and give us grand-babies and share the pride I feel for them with her.

I know this post deviates from my usual mood and tone, but I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I wanted to share my thoughts. I have a feeling, though, that I'm not the only one.

I can't think of anything clever to title this post.

So I work at Best Buy now, for those of you who didn't know that. I really really like it, cause I'm back in the customer service world. I know, I know. Customer service isn't a world that most people are HAPPY to be in. Most people would rather spend all day in the hot sun, pulling poison ivy out of flower beds with their teeth than deal with grouchy, rude people all day long. Let me tell you WHY I love customer service jobs so much.
First off, I work in the media department. That means I work with movies, music, video games and mp3 players. So I get to walk around the store all day talking to people about music, movies, mp3 players and video games-which I'm good at and thoroughly enjoy. I mean, I just love being able to recommend new bands and movies to people.
Secondly, I love children, and we get a lot of them in the DVD area. Last night there was a lady there with just about the most beautiful and adorable little girl I've ever seen, looking for the Wizard of Oz. So I got the movie and knelt down and handed it to the little girl and talked to her for a minute and it put me in a great mood just because I love little kids so much.
Lastly, the rude customers don't bother me. I mean, if I'm not in the greatest mood, they annoy me and don't help, but they don't really bother me all that much. I actually think it's kind of funny that people take themselves so seriously. The night before last, I asked some kid if I could help him find anything and he turns to me and says (quite seriously), "Well not unless you can get inside my brain!" in the rudest tone he could muster up. So I just looked at him for a second and said, "Well, actually, no. I don't think I can do that." And he replies "That's what I thought!" as though I were a sub-human life form that didn't deserve to help him. I walked away from that chuckling because he was so fucking stupid.
So I have work from 4-10:30 tonight and I'm looking forward to it. So, to all you people that dread going to work, because you hate your job, TAKE THAT!

Bad Customer

I went to Home Depot today and bought 35-80 pound bags of concrete. The problem with that was that I was only supposed to take 10 bags at a time in my Granpappy's truck. So I had to go to the desk and tell them that so they could mark it down (so they didn't think I was stealing on my return trips, duh).
So I walk up to the desk and the fat, older gentlemen behind the counter says, "What can I do for you?"
"Well," I reply "I need to have you mark off-"
*enter another fat, older man*
"Hank! How are the fish biting up there at the lake?"
"Oh, they're alright. The men say that they're biting in the morning and evening alright, but not during the day..."

blahblahblahblahblah.

Seriously. He offered to help then made me wait AT LEAST 5 minutes while he talked to some other dude about fishing. I'm a pretty patient guy, and if it had been something important, NO BIG DEAL. But SERIOUSLY?!? FISHING?!?

I'm sorry mister fat guy that is pathetic enough to be working a job that pays no more than 9 bucks an hour so you can afford that gym pass that you don't use because you're too busy watching fishing on tv because you can't afford a boat and reel yourself because you work a crappy job. Next time, I'll try not to interrupt your social time when I'm in a hurry and have to haul over 2,000 pounds of concrete. I would hate to be a bad customer.

Speechless.

I log onto Facebook, just like any other day. Like any other day, I check to see if I have any new notifications (I don't), and then check birthdays. Then I check the news feed. Like any other day, there are a few conversations going on to the affect of "OmG! u CrZy BoI!" and "zomg! I no, rite!?!!?"
However, today one particular post catches my eye. *ahem* "I just want to roll you up into a little ball and shove you in my vagina."
Let us dissect this sentence.

"I just want"
This is fairly simple- a hyperbolic statement that lets us know that the following statement is going to be true only to an extent.

"to roll you into a little ball"
This tells us that she's being silly, cause we all know it's impossible to roll someone into a little ball.

"and shove you in my vagina."
......excuse me. I'm feeling the sudden need to regurgitate the mac 'n cheese and vitamin water I had earlier.
So this has a few possibilities. Perhaps she wants the other person quite literally IN her vagina. Sexually, that is. Or perhaps she hates the person and wants to stick them in her vagina because no person in their right mind would enjoy/want/be able to live in her vagina. But what it PROBABLY means is that she was feeling absolutely unoriginal and uncreative and she thought that the crudest, most off the wall thing to say would be funny. Perhaps the hyperbolic statement applied to this and tells us that it's not the ONLY thing she wants. Let your mind wander on that one- I'll wait right here and try to turn my brain off.........................


Does anybody else find it ridiculous that our society is based so much around sexuality and crude humor that people think it's actually acceptable to say things like this to each other on a website that they KNOW other people look at and have access to? I mean, it's bad enough for someone to say these kinds of things in a private email, but on a website that they KNOW broadcasts everything they say to all their friends? Give me a freaking break.

Is it really that much to ask for people to start thinking about things before they say them? I think not.

Insomnia, anyone?

It is 5:00 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. This is starting to become a habit. I'm not sure if it's REAL insomnia or if I just have a terrible sleeping pattern. Though I think, technically, you have to SLEEP to have a SLEEPING PATTERN, so I'm not sure how that would work. It's funny though, because I'm tired, drowsy and want nothing more than to sleep, but I can't do it. I lay down in bed, close my eyes, try to clear my thoughts and give into the black hole of sleep, but it never works. As soon as my eyes close, my mind starts racing. So fast that I think about absolutely everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. So I'm awake. How exciting. Too bad I don't have any other friends that are insomniacs. We could stay awake and be insomniacs together. That would be better, but instead I have nothing to do but write. Whatever. I'm done with this. I'm gonna chill on wikipedia till i feel like i might be able to sleep.

Love Stinks

Isn't it kind of ironic that the one thing in life that's supposed to make you happier than anything else (which would be finding your "one true love") is also the thing that makes you most depressed. Until your dreams come true and you get married and live happily ever after, of course. But really, the whole dating thing just sucks. I've been on ONE date since I moved to Utah almost a year ago (there was another evening with a young lady that you could argue was a date, but as it wasn't arranged on the premise of being a date, I don't count it). I know I could go on plenty of dates, but I have yet to meet a girl here that can keep my attention in a good way. I probably wouldn't even date most of the girls I dated back in high school anymore. I've grown up too much. It hasn't even been a whole year since I graduated, but I feel a decade older. Anyways, the point is that I'm extremely desirous of a girl I feel compatible with. I'm finally to the point again where I'm ready for a relationship. But a different one than any I've had before. I'm ready for a relationship where I have a genuine, intelligent connection with the person. I'm over the whole high school "Ur HaWt, Im HaWt, LeTs Mak OuT.zOmG.lUlZ" crap. I want a girl that will talk about anything and everything with me. One that will tell me she thinks my opinions are stupid when I disagree with her, instead of just smiling and agreeing with everything I say. I want a girl that doesn't demand that I call her every single night. I want a girl that doesn't have to be all up on me every time we're together. I want a girl with the right allocation. I want a girl with the right dividends. I want a girl with a mind like a diamond. I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooong jacket.

California Waiting.

So as many of you know, I've had plans to move to California with a coworker at the end of April. However, those dreams have been dashed to a million pieces and scattered to the four winds with the painful realization that I am completely, flat broke. If S.O.S. (a temp agency I'm signed with) had been able to find me a short term job, I probably could've gotten the money scrounged up, even if it was just barely. But it's now almost the beginning of April and they haven't found anything for me, and I've got no money. Also, thanks to the terrible state of the economy lately, Macaroni Grill is cutting back on hours. Which means no more lunchtime bussers. Which means half of my shifts and, therefore, half my income is gone. So I'm broke. I'm hoping to scrounge up 300 dollars to spend on taking a phlebotomy course in the middle of April, though, and getting a job doing that during the day. It pays really well and it's a marketable skill, even if I have to get a new license if I move out of state. So now it looks like I'm stuck in Utah for the time being. Maybe after I get a job doing phlebotomy and work for awhile, buy a new car, save up some money and all that jazz, I'll look into getting my own place out in L.A. or something like that. All I know is that a few weeks ago I was singing "California Waiting" with the mindset of that is was just waiting for another month or so, whereas now it's waiting indefinitely. Kind of ironic, no?

Drive

just take my hand and drive
ill tell you when to stop
dimensions will pass us by
and no one will ask questions
reality will become what we make it
and what we read about in books
and utah will just be the city next to friendswood
or maybe not
maybe ill just teleport through space and time
ill teleport myself to your bedside
and watch you sleep at night
and then climb in beside you when im lonely
ill put my feet on yours so i know youre real
and then wake up to your beautiful face
but maybe theres no way around it
maybe we could stick it out for a year or two
maybe will get married one day
maybe maybe maybe
maybe i love you, and thats all that matters to me right now
maybe theres no maybe about that
maybe i should stop.
stop.

I've decided

That I'm tired of people. From this day forward, I'm going to have an assistant screen people for intelligence before they are allowed to talk to me. On the internet, I'm going to find an intermediary that screens people for spelling and grammar proficiency. All in all, I'm going to ignore stupid people.

Let me clarify: by "stupid," I don't necessarily mean only those that have had the misfortune of being born with a deficient brain. I mean people that are inconsiderate, arrogant, lazy, dirty, trashy, clueless AND those with deficient brains.

I'm tired of people that can't speak properly. No, I don't "member dat wun time when dem niggaz dun got demselfs stuck in da libary," but I DO "remember the time when thos guys got stuck in the library."

I'm tired of people that drive like idiots. No, honey, it is NOT ok to put your mascara on at freeway speeds. Wait, what's that? You're not driving freeway speeds? Then get the fuck out of the fast lane!

I'm tired of people that don't show me the same respect I show them. Im not "Hey you! Busser!" If you wish to address me when I'm working, a simple "Excuse me, sir. Can you find some Balsamic Vinegar for us?" will do just nicely. If you yell "Hey busser!" at me,the only thing I want to find for you is a burial plot.

I'm tired of seeing trashy people. Period.

I'm tired of employees that don't plan for things and end up making me work all alone on a regular basis. Including, unfortunately, nights like tonight that are extremely busy. You have a job and you have school. You PLAN your school schedule, and your work is more than willing to work around it. So make it work.

In some ways I would like to just move to some seaside cottage in Greece and do nothing but eat Greek food, listen to good music, and write all the time. In other ways I want to move to a seasie mansion in Greece and invite smart people with me.

Either way, I want to be in Greece. And I want stupid people to leave me the fuck alone.

The Happiest Place On Earth

I just spent a week in Disneyland. It was the first vacation of my life where i didnt have something hanging over my head the entire time. All my vacations before were to Utah (from Texas) and we had family we had to spend time with and all that crap, but this time we were free to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. It was a nice change.

So Disneyland is alright, there are quite a few rides worth going on there, but California Adventures is much better. I had a blast. Im not gonna go into all the details and everything, cause that would be boring (even for me), but it was a good time. The best days though, by far, were Wednesday and Friday. Suffice it to say, a very special girl was there and we had a good time together. And that ive been dreaming about having time like that with her for well over a year and a half. It was like a dream come true.

However, my brother owes me 80 dollars because i bought him stuff the whole time (mostly alcohol and cigarettes), and with all the other stuff i bought for the trip, i spent almost 300 dollars. Definitely uncool. AND there was a cheerleading convention/competition/whatever for the last few days, so the place was overrun by perky girls in slutty clothes and too much makeup.

Great trip.

Okkervil River-Black Sheep Boy

1. Black Sheep Boy
2. For Real (top 3 tracks)
3. In A Radio Song
4. Black
5. Get Big
6. A King and A Queen
7. A Stone (top 3 tracks)
8. The Latest Toughs
9. Song of Our So-Called Friend
10. So Come Back, I Am Waiting
11. A Glow

http://www.mediafire.com/?ha9xgwimuef
(^download link^)

Okkervil River's album, Black Sheep Boy, is (in my opinion) their best album to date. By far, actually. Highlights of the album are:
1. in "For Real" when Will Sheff sings/yells "I dont wanna hear you say it shouldnt really be this way, cause i like this way just fine!"
2. "A Stone"-no point of the song in particular. just pay attention to the lyrics
3. in "So Come Back, I Am Waiting," when Sheff is singing/yelling about how he's waiting for her to return and his voice suddenly calms with the music and he sings in a very emotional way "So come back to your old black sheep man."

Aside from the others songs that i already pointed out, "Black" and "The Latest Toughs" are fantastic songs as well. These are my favorite songs on the album, though i would suggest giving all the songs a very good listen.

Now, for those of you that are not familiar with mediafire, rapidshare, megaupload, sendspace, etc., ill break down how to work it. Its going to sound complicated, but i promise you that as soon as you get the hang of it, youll be able to find pretty much any album you could want easier than you could with limewire/bearshare and so on. Also, the way im going to explain will give you better quality music with correct track information, little to no chance of a virus and is much safer than limewire or kazaa as far as being tracked and punished for piracy goes.

First: download win.rar or win.zip
do a google search for "free win.rar downloads" and it will be very easy to find one

Second: download follow my link to mediafire and download the album (i recommend having a specified folder for downloads)

Third: the file that you have downloaded is compressed, meaning all of the seperate song files were made into one file, and is therefore unusable. SO open win.rar and set it to pull from that download file. when you do that, the compressed file should automatically show up on the win.rar screen.

Fourth: click on the compressed file and go to the top where is says "extract to" then find wherever you want to send the music to and click "ok"

Fifth: if your iTunes library automatically adds any new files from the source, it should come up automatically, if not youll have to go into iTunes - file -add folder to library (or -add files to library) and find the seperate song files.

like i said it SOUNDS complicated, but i promise if you do it once or twice its a piece of cake and you WILL LOVE IT. if you have any question or need any help with it, hit me up on AIM: mormonoftheyear.

peace, guys.

Mawwage, Mawwage is What Bwings Us Togeva Today...

So my friend, who for the sake of his privacy we will call "Armando", just got off of his mission 2 months ago and is already engaged. Did he have a girl waiting for him, you ask? Why, no he did not, i tell you. He met a girl, started dating her and got engaged all in a 3-4 week period. Its absolutely ridiculous, and frankly (in my opinion) unintelligent.

Its common knowledge that im not exactly the most faithful Latter Day Saint theres ever been, but if there is one personal belief that i share with the church, it is that families are eternal and your spouse on earth will be your spouse in heaven. I just dont understand how people that believe that same thing, are willing to base their eternity on a relationship that theyve had going for THREE WEEKS! Ive known guys that used girls for their bodies for longer than that.


I'm only 18 and i dont have any desire to be married for a long time, but i can guarantee that when i AM ready to get married, ill be dating any prospective wife for a hell of a lot longer than 3 weeks. or even 3 months, for that matter.

Sundays are NOT Fundays

Exodus 20:3-17 spells out the 10 commandments. One of those commandments is to keep the Sabbath Day holy. Now, every religion has a Sabbath Day they believe in (most observe on Sundays, though 7th Day Adventists and a few select others worship on Saturdays), but for LDS people (more commonly known as Mormons), the Sabbath day is a little bit different. Whereas other people consider going to church for the alotted hour or two, LDS people dont do much of anything else. Services are 3 hours long, which isnt so bad once you get used to it, but the rest of the day, youre not supposed to go shopping, out to eat, fill up your car or do basically anything else that causes either you or someone else to work or spend money. THAT is what keeping the Sabbath Day holy means to them. I've been raised LDS, but this is just one of the many things that i have never liked and/or believed about it. I hate having to sit at my house all day doing nothing. My parents wont even let me play music because it "drives away the spirit". Mormon Tabernacle Choir and gospel music only, which all sucks. My mom doesnt even approve of Explosions in the Sky which is completely instrumental and not at all unpeaceful.

Now, some of you are probably wondering why i dont just say "to hell with it" and go and do stuff anyways. That would be because i live in Utah Valley, where 85-90 percent of the residents are LDS, which means close to nothing is open on Sundays. Also, lots of the people i know are LDS and are at church and/or meetings for most of the day and then choose to observe their day of worship alone after that.

It makes me really jealous of all the people in Texas who loved Sundays to no end because they were free to do whatever. I always heard the phrase "Sundays are fundays!" (usually in joking or when speaking to little kids), and i have definitely concluded that Sundays are NOT fundays.

Poetry

While i recognize that my poetry is probably somewhat angsty and shitty, i still am under the impression that some people enjoy reading it. As a result, every once in a while, im going to post a poem or two. I have to be honest-thats mostly gonna be on days when i have nothing better to say, but i still feel like updating this thing. Today is definitely a day like that. So here we go with two of my latest poems. Read and enjoy. Or read and feel demoralized and a little dumber than when you started. I dont really care.



Deeper Than the Sea

I sail away from shore again
Glad to be at sea
The gentle rock of deep blue waves
Sends a true calm right through me
My heart is half on ocean floor
And half inside your hands
I feel the absence of my full self
As I walk on foreign lands
I'm bound to you in all i do
I'm not sure that you see
That dear, my love for you is strong
And deeper than the sea
Aft! Aft! Hard to port!
A storm is coming fast!
But even if a hurricane brews
It cannot change the past
It cannot change the words you said
And, undoubtedly, meant
And blow away my misery
Or drown the tears I've spent
I wish my life could change for good
Like the winds that always blow
But dear, the sea, and love of thee
Are all that I have known



Mirage

Through the haze of drizzling rain
And the din of thundering
A mirage begins to fill my view
And starts me blundering
An image transfixed in my mind
Fills my eyes therein
And causes happiness to swell
And makes my face to grin
A daydream that invades my nights
And, once, was partly true
Is monopolizing all my thoughts
To make me long for you
This dream is not a fleeting glance
But a day you spent with me
When i carried you through flooded streets
And we took shelter under trees
A minute we spent on a bridge
When falling raindrops flattered you
When the Tyndall Effect simply filled our gaze
And the sunset warmed us through
Those rainclouds still exist in me
And rain drops soak my soul
For only in this vision's joy
Do i ever feel as if im whole
But now the drizzling rain has stopped
And the mirage is gone from view
And i am left all cold and wet
With my unrequited love for you

First Blog...Wow.

Okay, so ive never really had my own blog before. I suppose some of you would be wondering what this blog is all about, and the answer to that is: everything. Some days youll be able to look forward to me ranting about something, or raving about something else-or both. Some days ill post reviews of albums or movies. Some days ill share some of the stuff ive written. But today, im going to explain why i named my blog Alfredo's Shade.

In many ways good ol' Pearland High School was comparable to Nazi Germany. The administrators and teachers were all about their power and didnt like to be questioned about anything, or by anyone. Anyone that didnt like the system had to work undercover to oppose them and had to be careful about it.

My friends and i defied all the rules we could in high school. I'll be the first to admit now that if i had focused as much on my studies as i did on breaking rules, i would have a full ride academic scholarship to whatever school i wanted, but the past is past and theres no use worrying about it. For all the bad that came of it, i DID enjoy high school. But thats besides the point. AS i was saying, we broke lots of rules. Just one of those rules was that we were supposed to eat in one of the cafeterias and nowhere else. However, my friends discovered a wonderful little eating area outside, under a tree that (for unknown reasons) was dubbed "Alfredo".
Our midday meals under Alfredo became one of my favorite memories of high school. It was peaceful and fun and came to represent to me all of the innocence and irresponsibility of high school that I sorely miss.

So i named my blog after Alfredo-an old friend that i hope to see again someday, but probably never will.